My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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