Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
