I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
