No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
