Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
