So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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