So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
