chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
