he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
