Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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