Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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