I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
