Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
