You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
