there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
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