If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
