did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize