dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
