Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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