I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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