You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
