AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
