So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
