You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
sarcasm needs its own font
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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