Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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