Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize