addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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