My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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