Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
