foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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