Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
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