More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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