Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
