So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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