I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
