...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
