hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
