Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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