drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
