On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
