Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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