Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I have post one night stand depression
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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