"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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