Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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