just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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