also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
