I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
