I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
