Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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