Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
