The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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