I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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