my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
