Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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