There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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