if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
