this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
