Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
