I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
