you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
