I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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